HERE ARE SOME "NEW" NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009! These are our New "good kitty" resolutions: Remember, don't say anything if we fall a little short of our goals. You keep your secrets and we'll keep ours.) Resolution #1: I promise to trim down a little. Being bigger means there is more of me to love, but perhaps I can stand to lose a little weight, if I'm given the opportunity and the right kinds of toys to play with. Resolution #2: I'll be friendlier to strangers. I won't turn my nose up at newcomers right away. Instead, I'll give them a chance to scratch my ears before disappearing under the bed. Resolution #3: I'll be cuddlier to family members. I'll purr more and be more affectionate to everyone in the family, except the dog - unless he promises to stay the heck out of my litter box! Resolution #4: I'll be nicer to the birds and fish in household. Sure, I'll be very nice to them. Perhaps if I'm nice, they'd want to come out and play with me... Resolution #5: I won't be as finicky about my food. Just as long as it's the right texture, taste and temperature, and given at the right time each day. Resolution #6: I'll lay off the furniture and stick to my scratching post. After all, that's what the scratching post is for. Besides, I've made enough marks to show who really owns this place. To do any more would be just cad. Resolution #7: I'll stop hiding stuff behind the couch. It's getting a little cluttered behind there anyways. Someone in the house is really trying to find that diamond ring - they're making too much of a racket. Resolution #8: I'll let everyone else sleep later. I suppose 5 a.m. is a little too early to get everyone up to feed me. I think I can hold on until 5:30 a.m. Resolution #9: I'll stay off the counters, at least when company is around. I only get chased off anyways. Sooner or later everyone leaves, so I can patrol the countertops if I'm just a little patient. Resolution #10: I'll be more tolerant of those homemade bandannas. They feel a little funny, and I dislike having something put on me, but the colors really do match my hair coat, and they set off my eyes nicely. Have a great new year! Thanks to Dr. Jon at Pet Place.com Here are Our "old" New Year's Resolutions 1. My human will never let us eat her pet hamster, and we am at peace with that. 2. We will not puff our entire bodies to twice their size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. 3. We will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. 4. We must not help ourseves to Q-tips, and we must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. 5. We will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that we're getting plenty of roughage. 6. We will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of our fur.) 7. We will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching "24". 8. We will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.) 9. We will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. 10. We will not drag dirty socks from the laundry basket in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill." 11. We will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. 12. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while she's trying to sleep. 13. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. 14. We cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If we forget this and bonk our heads on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, we will not get up and do the same thing again. 15. We will not assume the patio door is open when we race outside to chase leaves. 16. We will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to her friend how graceful we are. 17. We will not complain that my bottom is wet and that we are thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. 18. We will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. 19. We will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If we do, we will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave us to get the rubber cement out of our fur. 20. If we bite the cactus, it will bite back. 21. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee. 22. When we are chasing our tails and catch our back leg instead, we will not bite down on our foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human. 23. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. 24. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. we will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. 25. We will not stuff our rather large selves into the rather small bird feeder (with our tails hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. 26. We will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner. 27. The dog can see us coming when we stalk her. She can see us and will move out of the way when we pounce, letting us smash into floors and walls. That does not mean we should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. 29. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. We don't have to act as if we've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in our window. 30. We will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. 31. When the humans play darts, we will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. 32. We will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. 33. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock. 34. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. 35. We are a walking static generator. My human doesn't need our help installing a new board in her computer. 36. We will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button. 37. We will not speed dial the overseas numbers. 38. We will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgvaa35. 39. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. We are not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank. 40. We will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt us if they weren't laughing so hard. 41. We will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. 42. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl. 43. We will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry. 44. We will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet. 45. We will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside. 46. We will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!" 47. We will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. 48. We will not scratch the children of neighbors, no matter how much they chase us or how hard they pull our tails. 49. If we MUST claw my human, we will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. 50. If we must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. 51. We will not soak our catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. We will not get high and sit there drinking our tea and kneading the floor afterwards. We will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And we will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toys away from us. 52. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.