WELCOME TO JERSEY CATS EMPORIUM
Owner's Guide For Cats
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures.
And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human
being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you
follow these simple instructions, you can have your human
housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy
immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get
humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting,
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper
language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly,
repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the
morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be
dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when
your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes
before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods
of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming
in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating.
Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by
prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to
not change your litter box. Although experts in human
behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness
reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is
called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human
shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should
Following these simple tips is the first step towards
a long and productive cat/human relationship.
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Famous Cat Quotes
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments, but I never
heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice
in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.
The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries
of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they
are God." - Unknown
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil,
and cruel. True, and they have many other
fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to
make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it
never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered
with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they*:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
11. And finally,...If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
*This list is from http://www.petplace.com/.
March 1st, 2007