More Basic Rules from the Jersey Cats Emporium

More Basic Rules for CATS

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up hair balls, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, pick "shag". .....Our Lady is good at this!

DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your fore-paws. Once the door is opened, walk in the opposite direction. You really didn't want in anyway. .....Buster, Lady and Baby Simba are all good at this.

If you want to go outside, meow loudly. When the door is opened for you, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things, and then change your mind. You'll try again later. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and during the mosquito season.

GUESTS: Quickly find out which guests hate cats the most. Jump up on that one's lap. If you've just eaten fish, all the better. Make sure you reach up and give the guest a slurpy kiss. They will just love you.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, make sure you select a fabric color which contrasts with your fur. For example, white-furred cats go best with black clothing. .....Our little Baby Simba, of light orange fur, would be glad to demonstrate! or better yet, Buster could as he has gray fur.

For guests who say, in a syrupy voice,"Oh, I just LOVE kitties!" make sure you put on your aloof-act. Give them your most disdainful look. Apply your claws to stocking, or use a quick nip on the ankle.....No one in this house is guilty of that!

When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt, when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table when there is no company here. Why's now any different?.....Boy! Is Lady experienced at this. She does it all the time.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare....And make sure they use the proper facility not your litter box......We are all good at this. Lady jumps into the bathtub while doing the supervising.

WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing, and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping-- otherwise known as hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen, and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, and picked up and consoled. .....Lady, 'fess up. You do this all the time.

For book or newspaper readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book unless, of course, you can lie right on the book. That's the best! .....Buster and Baby Simba, don't be coy. That's your specialty.

For knitting project, curl quietly into the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spilled yarn. The knitter may distract you with a scrap ball of wool. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper the work. .....Oh! I guess Buster is the guilty one for this....But I've seen Lady grab the thread when Meowmie has been sewing.

PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing catch-mouse, or king-of-the-hill on your humans' bed between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m....Caught again! I guess Buster and Simba the best teachers of this game here.
SUMMARY: Humans can be taught. Just be persistent. NEVER give up!

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests. THE CAT AND COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY 101: Did you know that cats are responsible for the computer lingo that humans think they invented and use everyday? Of course! The following list of terms will surely convince you of this fact: --DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the stupid dog's fault! --DOMAIN: My house. You know why they named that space the MASTER bedroom, don't you! If I could only keep the humans out of there. --WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that dumb dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars. --SURF: What I love to do every time the human rolls over in the bed. Dude! --APPLICATION: Rubbing on the human's leg leaving my perfume and layer of white fur on his dark pants, so he will think of me while he's out tonight. --BROWSER: (Not to be confused with bowser, the dumb dog next door.) What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess? --WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to flex my claws on. --DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance! --HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the "wanted: dog" ads. --HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick me up, cat-nip. --MOUSE POINTER: My collection of tips and tricks for catching mice. --PATH: The direct line from my favorite sleeping spot to the to the never empty food bowl and back again. --SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore, it's not politically correct. --SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day. --LAPTOP: Little ole Me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. And no batteries are required. So there! Are you convinced? I knew it!