More Basic Rules for CATS
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up hair balls, get into a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there
is no Oriental rug, pick "shag". .....Our Lady is good at this!
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open,
stand on your hind legs and hammer with your fore-paws. Once the
door is opened, walk in the opposite direction. You really didn't
want in anyway. .....Buster, Lady and Baby Simba are all good at this.
If you want to go outside, meow loudly. When the door is
opened for you, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about
several things, and then change your mind. You'll try again later.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow,
and during the mosquito season.
GUESTS: Quickly find out which guests hate cats the most.
Jump up on that one's lap. If you've just eaten fish, all the
better. Make sure you reach up and give the guest a slurpy kiss.
They will just love you.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, make
sure you select a fabric color which contrasts with your fur.
For example, white-furred cats go best with black clothing.
.....Our little Baby Simba, of light orange fur, would be glad
to demonstrate! or better yet, Buster could as he has gray fur.
For guests who say, in a syrupy voice,"Oh, I just LOVE kitties!"
make sure you put on your aloof-act. Give them your most
disdainful look. Apply your claws to stocking, or use a
quick nip on the ankle.....No one in this house is guilty of that!
When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared
to look surprised and hurt, when scolded. The idea is to
convey: "But you allow me on the table when there is no
company here. Why's now any different?.....Boy! Is Lady
experienced at this. She does it all the time.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything. Just sit and stare....And make sure they use
the proper facility not your litter box......We are all good
at this. Lady jumps into the bathtub while doing the supervising.
WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing, and another
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping--
otherwise known as hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen, and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on, and picked up and consoled.
.....Lady, 'fess up. You do this all the time.
For book or newspaper readers, get in close under the chin,
between the eyes and the book unless, of course, you can lie
right on the book. That's the best! .....Buster and Baby Simba,
don't be coy. That's your specialty.
For knitting project, curl quietly into the lap of the knitter
and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting
needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spilled yarn.
The knitter may distract you with a scrap ball of wool. Ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper the work. .....Oh! I guess Buster is
the guilty one for this....But I've seen Lady grab the thread
when Meowmie has been sewing.
PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that
you are fresh for playing catch-mouse, or king-of-the-hill on
your humans' bed between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m....Caught again! I
guess Buster and Simba the best teachers of this game here.
SUMMARY: Humans can be taught. Just be persistent. NEVER give up!
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which
they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love
and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face,
turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this,
so do it often. And don't forget guests.
THE CAT AND COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY 101:
Did you know that cats are responsible for the computer lingo
that humans think they invented and use everyday? Of course!
The following list of terms will surely convince you of this
--DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house,
don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share
my house with, or the stupid dog's fault!
--DOMAIN: My house. You know why they named that space the
MASTER bedroom, don't you! If I could only keep the humans
out of there.
--WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that
dumb dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.
--SURF: What I love to do every time the human rolls over in
the bed. Dude!
--APPLICATION: Rubbing on the human's leg leaving my perfume
and layer of white fur on his dark pants, so he will think of
me while he's out tonight.
--BROWSER: (Not to be confused with bowser, the dumb dog next
door.) What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your
books your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with
all that mess?
--WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and
bathroom, I use to flex my claws on.
--DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little
--HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used
before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think
they were the "wanted: dog" ads.
--HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick me
--MOUSE POINTER: My collection of tips and tricks for catching
--PATH: The direct line from my favorite sleeping spot to the
to the never empty food bowl and back again.
--SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or
waiter, or slave anymore, it's not politically correct.
--SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.
--LAPTOP: Little ole Me. Certainly cuter, more useful,
valuable, and entertaining. And no batteries are required.
So there! Are you convinced? I knew it!